The first Christmas after Laura's death, naturally our thoughts turn to her:

December 25, 2002 Christmas Thoughts We followed last year's Christmas tradition, and went to see the second installment of LORD OF THE RINGS. We wished Laura could have been with us, and in order to have some tiny part of her there, we each wore a blouse of Laura's. Julia had a pale gray polo shirt, and I wore an ivory long sleeved tailored shirt. Laura's long arms used to fill out its sleeves a bit better, so its cuffs have been folded back, but sadly, I am filling the body portion out a little too well. I must do something about that in the year to come. Meanwhile, today's a day for fun. Oh, the second movie is nothing but action packed. It was thrilling, beginning to end. The horrid little gray Gollum gave us hopes of changing, his 'bad self' kept arguing with his 'good self', but at the end, it looks like he's reverted to bad ways, having felt Frodo betrayed him. Maybe he'll surprise us in the next show. Meanwhile, the ring is having a terrible power on beautiful little Frodo. He's still just the cutest thing, with those lovely blue eyes. And, as in the first movie, his friend Samwise stays besides him, pulling strong on Frodo so the evil ring doesn't overpower him. Now, as I write this, the soundtrack from The Fellowship Of The Rings is playing on a small stereo beside me. Julia and I were the only ones to linger at the movie theater today to listen to the ending music and read the credits. I had no idea it took such a large army of people to create this masterpiece. It might have been 10,000 strong, like the army of Isengard itself. I wondered what Tolkien would have felt watching it. I imagine a great pride, both in his creation, and the creation of those many people. Afterwards, as we returned to the house, I was especially missing Laura. How she would have enjoyed being able to see all three movies! I then sat down by the computer near the phone, preparing to call my Mother, and found a paper shoved into the shelf, along with the print out of our address book. I'd not seen it earlier. It was a copy of an e-mail Laura had written her brother March 4th of this year. In it, she revealed her doctor's grim prospects for her health. '' . . . he has seen many people at my stage of life and says the end will come either quickly by a heart attack or more slowly by pneumonia. He can't say exactly when [I will die].'' ''Once in a great while a person can last longer than expected . . .'' Laura assured her brother she had no intention 'of giving up easily' and had hopes 'of foiling the doctors one more time'. I am not scared. Well, at least not much and more for Joan and Julia than for me. I have lived one hell of a life, full of everything imaginable. There are people, many, who love me to pieces and there are those, a very few, who hate me with equal strength. With one exception, no one hates me who I wish didn't hate me. Mostly, I want very much to hang in here until Julia has a job. That is my primary goal. If we can manage that, I could, if I must, die peacefully. But no one has to feel sorry for me when I am gone. I can not die young. I have seen a lot of life. I leave the world a better place than I found it. I have a lot more things I am proud of having done, than I am ashamed of having done. If you can say as much at the end of YOUR life, then you too will have lived and died well. . . . Each one of you know the depths of my love and my gratitude. I can not emphasize enough that without you, each one of your in your own way, my life would have been greatly diminished. Thank you for all that you have done and been. Thank you for being in my life.'' Thank you, Laura, for that one last message. Somehow you must have meant for me to see it now, when I'm especially missing you. I won't ever be done talking to you, you should know. I can cry all I want about 'not fair', but the fact remains, I'm grateful for the time I did have with you. I shall hold the memories of it close to my heart every day. My life, without YOU, would have been more than 'greatly diminished'. I love you, Laura, and always will. POSTSCRIPT: I sent the URL to this journal entry to all of Laura's relatives with e-mail access. Laura's brother, the one to whom she'd originally sent this letter, responded: Dear Joan & Julia, Thanks for sharing that e-mail with me. I do remember her writing it. At the time I didn't want to believe the prognosis was that grim, perhaps if I would have I would have made it to Yuma to see Sis before she was in a g-damn hospital bed never to recover. I thought we had plenty of time to get together and was planning on coming down "in a week or two" . . . for about a month before she died. I too miss her and think of the fun times and things we did . . . how she was a pioneer in "coming out of the closet" and how she helped so many people. I think of her daily it seems . . . and regret that we didn't spend more time togther in the last 15 years as we moved so far apart. I can only wish that we had more time. Even in death she has taught me a lesson, one that I should have taken to heart much earlier, . . . live for today there may not be a tomorrow. Love you both, Greg & Teresa

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